Is choosing to not have kids "just plain selfish"?

This Wednesday, after the 2011 Canadian Census results were released, Joe O'Connor, columnist for the National Post, posted an article referring to the new trend of couples not having children as "just plain selfish". Obviously, it sparked some controversy.

O'Connor (a great writer, by the way) begins by taking us through a scenario, where a childless couple gets home from work after a long day and is able to enjoy a glass of wine, each other's company and silence. He contrasts it with the hectic life of a couple with children. He talks about childless couples grabbing a latte on a late weekend morning before hitting the gym.  I couldn't help but think about how the scenario pretty accurately describes my life right now, and how deliciously sweet it is. He's right. Why would I want to give that up? Well, for me, having children at some point in my life is a no-brainer. It's a part of life that I want to embrace and I don't pretend that it would come without substantial sacrifice. I know that I will reflect on this part in my life and marvel at how nice it was to only be responsible for myself.

For some people, that desire to have children is simply not there. I can't wrap my head around how that would be comparatively selfish. Is it selfish because they enjoy sleeping in on weekends? Is it selfish because they want to reserve their hard-earned money for personal expenditures like travel and those weekend lattes? Or, to feel financially secure? By that logic, would couples who choose to only have one child also fall into this category? They choose to have one, let's say, because they want to keep some semblance of a relaxing life and be able to feel comfortable financially. Are they, too, selfish? 

On the flip side, are couples who decide to have children just taking one for the team to help repopulate the earth?  Let's take a look at couples who keep having children because, "I've always wanted a big family!" or "I just wanted another baby". Are they doing a selfless deed by continuing to procreate? What if they didn't consider the cost associated with a family of this size and they can't give their children a good quality of life? What about those draining public resources because they can't afford the expenses associated with a large family? Are they somehow less selfish than those who opt out of parenthood altogether?

In an age of a struggling economy and demanding jobs, for couples who are unsure about parenthood, does it really make sense to embrace an enormous life-changing journey half-heartedly, unsure about how you will provide? Besides, I'm sure for most people, the decision to not have children is not an easy one. It is unconventional, against the norm, with questions of "what if?" potentially lingering. Dismissing that decision as one that is "selfish" is ignorant and disrespectful.

The lifestyle described at the beginning of the post -- the couple with the busy work week, enjoying a glass of wine and silence is a relatively new phenomenon. People used to grow up, get a job, get married and have children. Now, many of us stay in this phase for years before making up our minds about how we want the rest of our lives to progress. From the time we graduate at about 21 and often until we're in our thirties, we're moving around, traveling, figuring out our career paths, and deciding if and when children will be a part of our lives. How great it is that we live in a time of so much choice. I hope to someday live in a time where we won't be judged for the personal choices we make.

Politics & Growing Up

Politics. It’s part of becoming an adult. You’ve been trying to avoid it for so long, but there it is, creeping into conversations with friends over drinks, the same friends who most prior conversations with began with “What happened last night?”  Then it’s there. It’s real. You’re all of a sudden supposed to know something.  

So many people in their twenties are trying to figure out what they believe and where they sit on the political spectrum. They’re trying to figure out who to vote for and what blanket political ideology fits them best.

Part of getting older is developing a personal set of beliefs and morals; part of maturing is being open to allowing those beliefs and morals to change. By our mid-twenties, most of us are familiar with the general political climate in our own country, and hopefully have at least a vague idea of what’s happening in other parts of the world. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I work in politics, so for me, familiarizing myself in this regard is part of the job. Many young adults struggle with figuring out where they stand on a particular issue, what to believe and to what extent they will support a political party. Many people will agree with a political party on an issue they are passionate about and instead of reading further into election platforms, political records and familiarizing themselves with other important factors facing the country, will jump on board with the party. They will adapt their set of beliefs to match the political party they’ve decided to support. I remember a brilliant Chris Rock comedy bit years ago where he discussed the phenomenon of people who too easily identify themselves as  a Republican or a Democrat. He said “Anyone who makes up their mind before they hear the issue is a f***in’ fool.” The man has a point. He further explains, “Crime, I’m conservative... Prosititution, I’m liberal!”

People who become more attached to a party than their own fundamental beliefs can lose a sense of who they are and more importantly can lose the ability to be open-minded. That isn’t to say that you can’t be whole-heartedly in support of a political party. Naturally, if you are conservative in your thinking about the economy, you will likely agree with the majority of the economic policies of your country’s respective conservative party; whereas, if you are of a more liberal mindset, you would likely support the liberal party. And hey, it’s great when one of the political parties in your country represents a lot of what you believe. It doesn’t happen all the time. So when it does, by all means, embrace it.

I truly admire people who are passionate about politics, not for the political games, but because they understand the importance of the issues on the table and want to be involved in the democratic process. These are the people who have a strong sense of beliefs and may support a political party, but will have no issue speaking out against a policy if they were to disagree with it. These are the people who know who they are, will listen to both sides of an issue, think about it and then form an opinion.

As young adults, many of us find ourselves in a constant state of trying to define ourselves. Let’s be honest, it makes things easier. It’s nice to know exactly where you fit in. Let's instead try to be in a constant state of learning. Let’s take each issue individually, sit with it and then make up our minds. Let’s not pretend to know a lot about an issue when we don’t. Let’s not pretend to have our minds made up when we’re still on the fence. Let’s not make our mind up about an issue and close the book (understand that you will change and the context of the issue will change). Let's take the time to read, educate ourselves and figure out what we believe in. Let's let go of trying to put a label on it.

The Messy Path to Success

I came across this photo on Facebook about six months ago and it made me laugh, but I also found it very comforting. From my experience, this couldn't be more accurate. When we first go off to whichever post-secondary institution we find ourselves in, we seem to have a pretty clear idea of how things will pan out. We get to school, we’re excited, we’re going to attend every class, do all of our readings in advance, have great relationships with our professors (which will later serve as great networking contacts), manage our money responsibly, and walk across that stage on graduation day with a smile and a clear plan for what lies ahead. I would estimate that for 90% of us, this isn’t the case. Shortly after graduation, that first dose of reality sets in. For many of us, mommy and daddy stop paying rent, others are riddled with student debt, and many of us go through a series of unsuccessful interviews in our respective fields.

What ever do you mean you don’t need a criminologist in your office? I swear, I attended at least 60% of my classes. I am familiar with some pretty interesting theories that were relevant 100 years ago... Oh wait. Actually no, I’ve forgotten them. Electives, you ask? That’s right. I am well versed in “Men, Women & Society”, where I learned that you  shouldn’t give boys trucks and girls Barbies, because we’re pre-conditioning them to become “masculine” and “feminine”, and really, who wants that? I don’t mean to brag, but it doesn’t stop there. I also took Canadian Leisure. Did you know that both men and women over 70 tend to find walking an enjoyable leisurely activity? Well now you do. Others enjoy water sports and travelling. Riveting stuff.   

Believe it or not, employers in the Criminal Justice field weren’t as impressed as I was with my education. After serving at a bar and restaurant for a year, I knew it was time to pursue post-graduate education, which for me changed everything.

Many of my friends and colleagues have now been working for a few years, some in their fields, some still trying to get there. However, some of those who have been lucky enough to find work in their fields are going through a bit of a rut. They feel that they’re capable of more. You know why? Because they are. Very few of us are living out our career dreams and maximizing our potentials within the first few years of graduation. With greater experience comes greater responsibility (and hopefully, a greater salary). We all have to do the “bitch work”, for lack of a better term (perhaps I should have thrown an English class into my undergrad mix), before we are thriving in the challenging, rewarding careers we set out to have. Also, we have to acknowledge what the real path to success looks like (pictured above). Many of us will have career changes, and we need to understand that it’s okay, that our prior experience is always valuable, and that this is the time to do it. When people in their twenties say that it’s too late to start over and change careers, people in their forties and fifties laugh at the absurdity of it.

I know quite a few people who have been working for a few years and are considering a career change, but are hesitant to “take a step back”. Although their lifestyle will change slightly, and their pay will likely change, I always encourage them to go for it. Your 40-year-old self will thank you. There is a reason that on average, our prime earning years are in our forties. It’s because in our twenties and thirties, most of us are figuring it out, changing our minds and trying to get it back together (rinse, repeat). This is the time in our lives where, for the most part, our only responsibility is to ourselves. The decisions we make now will shape the rest of our lives. We sometimes forget that we live in such an amazing time that our options are endless. With so much choice, we have a hard time narrowing down what we are “meant” to do. This is the time in our lives to change our minds, take that big risk, start over, and understand that the path to success is rocky. Because even if we fall flat on our faces, at least we’re moving forward.  

thetwentysomething.

In our twenties (and often thirties), we find ourselves somewhere on a spectrum. I don’t know if there’s a name for it, but we’re all well aware of it. We likely have friends on either end of the spectrum, but most of us fall somewhere in the middle. For the sake of brevity, let’s call it the Drop Shots – Babies Spectrum. We all have that friend who rocks the club scene five nights a week, with no intention of changing that pattern in the near future. We also have that married friend who uses foreign terms like “mortgage payment” and “maternity leave”.

While we move from one end of the spectrum to the other, there are a variety of things that can happen, maybe some post-graduate education, perhaps some travel, figuring out your career, make-ups, break-ups, maybe finding someone to spend your life with, or even finding yourself (whatever that means).

Some of us are in this in-between phase for most of our twenties and thirties, while others take the Snooki-path and go from one end of the spectrum to the other in a matter of a few (9?) months. While we all take different paths, and rarely end up in identical places, we tend to experience a lot of the same things in the process.  Wherever you find yourself on the spectrum, I hope I’ll hit on something you can relate to.

(Please don’t discount my credibility for the Jersey Shore reference).